I am always amused by the things people say when they really aren’t sure what to say.   If you are a foster parent,  I’m sure you can relate.

“I could never do that.”  This is typically followed up by some reasoning about becoming too attached to the child.  This is never an easy statement for us to respond to.  We are attached to many children that aren’t our own kids.  We have two nieces and a nephew that we love dearly.   If a time comes when our foster daughter is not living with us any longer, we will be sad to see her go.  We just know that while we have her, we are going to give her home where she can feel safe and loved so she can continue to grow and develop.

“She is so lucky to have parents like you.”  For the record, we are great parents, but yet to receive the award.  I have been waiting and waiting for it, but nothing.   I don’t believe that any child in the foster care system feels lucky.  Put yourself in their shoes.  Would you feel lucky if you were taken from everyone and everything you love and put with some people you don’t know?  How would you feel?  Just because they may have been in a difficult situation, it doesn’t mean they weren’t attached to it.  When they enter the foster care system, things are still difficult for them.  They are confused and scared.   Even if we are great people, we are still a new situation for them.  Change is difficult for most people, let alone a child.

“What do you know about her biological parents?  Were they on drugs?”  We always address this with “we don’t know a lot about her background.”  This may or may not be the case, but we won’t share what we know about it with you.  It is personal to the child and we want to keep it that way.

“You guys are saints for doing this.”  We are not.  We aren’t superheroes either.  We are just a family who has been called to serve in this way.  There are many ways people can serve; this is ours.  When people say this, it is basically saying that we are saving this child.  We aren’t saving anyone.  We love kids and want to be a part of the solution, even if it is just a small part.  We aren’t any better than you or anyone else.  We appreciate the compliment, but saints we are not.

“Why are you fostering?  Can’t you have your own kids?”  This is always a difficult question for us.  We foster because we felt called to do it.  Whether we can have kids of our “own” is irrelevant.  When you say “own,” you really mean biological.  We have a son that we adopted when he was a baby.  He is our “own” child.  Maybe not biological, but the love we have for him unmeasurable.   This is not a question I would recommend that you ever ask someone.  If you know them well enough that they share their story with you, feel honored, not entitled.

“Are you planning to adopt her?”  There are really three camps foster parents fall into:  we are foster parents only, we are fostering to adopt, or we are fostering and if the situation presents itself, we will consider adoption.   All three are fantastic options.  Children in the system need loving and supportive homes.  Not all children in the system are available to be adopted.  Their biological parents are working to make changes in their lives so they can reunify with their child(ren).   When someone is a new foster parent, they may not be at a place to answer this question. Nor should they feel they have to.

“Why would they ever send a kid back to their parents?  They don’t deserve them.” This is easy to judge from the outside.  When you are inside and you see a parent doing all the right things to make amends and make life changes, you may feel differently.   They key is to focus on the child and what is in the best interest of the child.  It is truly a complicated endeavor.

Here is what I would say to myself if finding out I had become a foster parent.  “Wow, you are nuts.  Really, a crazy person.  I feel so sorry for your wife.  I thought she was normal.  I guess she is off her rocker too!”   Really, say something like “That is great to hear.  I know there are a lot of children that are in need of foster families.”  If you are really interested, you can follow up with “I would love to hear more about your experience.”  Then invite me to coffee.